What You Should Do When Someone is Crying at Work

It happens. Often when someone is crying at work, many are not sure how to react. There could be a lot of reasons why they cried: a feedback conversation that feels difficult, a career planning session that's disappointing, a hard conversation about unrealistic expectations, or it may even seem like it comes out of nowhere. 

For many of us, it's not comfortable to see someone crying at work. It also makes us feel guilty and anxious. There are a few reasons why we feel this way:

1. Because we want to fix it. When we see someone crying, many of us have a natural instinct to solve the issue even though we don't know what's needed to be fixed.
2. Because we worry that we caused it. We wonder if it was something we said or did. 
3. Because we don’t know why they’re crying. Usually, people cry when they're sad. But people also cry when they feel angry, happy, anxious, scared, relieved, tired, hungry, etc. In short, we can never be too sure.
4. Because we think that crying signals a bigger issue. We wonder if the crying is about something more significant than the conversation we just had. Something that's bigger than we know how to help.
5. Because we fear that the crying will escalate. When we see that first tear or hear that initial sniffle, we think to ourselves, “What if they start sobbing?” or “What if they start hyperventilating?”

Helping someone who is crying at work takes emotional intelligence, especially in the form of self-awareness and self-management. Self-awareness demands that we realise that someone else’s emotional expression is having an influence on us, and are able to explain what that impact is whether it's fear, concern, or anger. Self-management requires that we keep our emotions in check, and adapt to what’s needed at the moment.

Helping someone who is crying at work takes emotional intelligence​

What you need to do is to say something helpful and supportive. It also helps you keep it short.

Here's what you SHOULD NOT do:

• Interpreting, for example: “you seem sad.” Remember that people cry for a lot of reasons, and you will never know why they’re crying unless they tell you. (Remember that people don’t always know why they’re crying themselves.)
• Telling them what to do, for example: “you should take a break.” When someone is crying at work, they often feel a loss of control. Directing their next action, even if you mean well, can further strip someone of their sense of control.
• Judging them, for example: “it’s not worth crying about.” When you tell someone not to feel how they're feeling, it diminishes their trust in you, therefore, making people feel unsafe in their relationship with you.

Here's what you SHOULD say:

• “Let’s pause for a moment here. I can see you’re crying. Would you like to take a break or keep going? It’s up to you.”  This is a neutral language that gives someone the chance to choose what they want and need next.
• “I’m going to stop our conversation for a second to check in with you. Can you tell me what’s going on for you right now?” This shows compassion and curiosity for the person, without dramatising or overplaying concern.
• “You’re crying, so let’s pause. What would be most helpful for you right now? I’ll follow your lead.” This acknowledges what’s happening while enabling the person to take control.

Emotions are data, and the visible (and audible) expression of emotions, like crying, shouldn’t be ignored or minimized. Showing curiosity and compassion, even if you’re uncomfortable, is vital in being an emotionally intelligent leader.

Source: Harvard Business Review

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